Crumbs of Surrender – Pt. 3
I’m a slow learner apparently….because years passed me by before I recognized just how much I was trying to carry on my own. Though, the constant worrying that I was failing at it all never ceased…
I so badly desired peace. It even felt like begging when I prayed, but I kept asking.
Compared to issues in the broken world we live in; the things I found myself pleading to God for sometimes even seemed trivial and selfish. At one point, the organization of my home was one of those prayers….I know, it sounds silly, but, bear with me.
The consequences of what followed not having the organization I needed were the basis of those prayers. Over and over again, I found that I was missing the mark when it came to the things that truly mattered. Because I felt that I couldn’t keep up with this one thing; I had no patience, I was short-tempered, I had no energy, and I was becoming bitter.
At the same time, I was also praying for God to use me to spread his word and asking that he put people in my path to be a witness to.
But, when I found myself struggling to be patient and loving to my family and friends; I felt like a hypocrite. So I prayed that God would teach me patience.
I had many other prayers on my heart too, but these seemed to take up the most space in my thoughts… and in my attitude.
I wanted so badly to find a rhythm—a groove in my day—that made room for all of it.
And if I’m being honest…
I wanted it right now.
But somewhere in the middle of all that striving, something clicked:
Instant gratification isn’t true gratification.
Because when I really stopped and looked at it, I realized something deeper—
I was trying to build a peaceful life… without fully letting God lead it.
I was still trying to do it all on my own.
I planned and planned and planned. But, this planning consisted of every single little detail of everything I had to do. Everything that I wanted to accomplish. Everything that I had to do to accomplish it. Every obstacle that I had to face. Every solution that I had to figure out. Then when it came time to carry out a task, I had no energy left.
And it was exhausting.
The constant mental striving.
The pressure to “figure it out.”
The quiet frustration when I couldn’t.
And just when I was ready to throw in the towel, the quiet whisper of “surrender” would sneak back in.
After that initial sermon, I didn’t realize how deeply it would stick.
But God knew.
So, I attempted letting go of the idea that I can control anything. Of course, I still had tasks to accomplish, but I stepped out of God’s way and let him lead.
I spent so much of my life living as if I called the shots, so you can imagine that it has been extremely difficult.
But, you want to know something else?
It has been the most liberating and freeing experience of my entire existence.
God knew I would need those words right there in that specific sermon, in that moment—when I was finally ready to hear them.
God drops crumbs sometimes before we even realize. And before we know it, those crumbs, when we finally recognize them, become our greatest blessings.
Thank you God for the crumbs.
